More from Phil Meyer’s Vault, this one from sometime between 2003 and 2007 - probably 2006. We’ve edited a few portions, especially regarding the Scottish and Oak Bay.
Huddy Huddy – Foreign Correspondence
With Jono in England with DTH and Jeff Campbell – and J-Rod in Texas - Huddy Huddy’s vast network of international watchers has become energized – and we have received reports from various foreign countries – including Oak Bay. Several of these reports deal with a letter sent out some time ago by rugby poobahs in England. Since Huddy Huddy spares no expense in bringing you all the news that’s fit to print – and then some – the originating letter, and several replies intercepted by our intrepid watchers, are reproduced here.
England R U
London
Dear Member of the British Empire:
The Head Coach of our English Team has directed – as we prepare for next year’s World Cup - to ask our fellow home nations, as well as the colonies, to come to our assistance, so that we can again be assured of being crowned Top Rugby Side in the World!
As you are no doubt aware, England’s winning the last World Cup, as well as the ashes in cricket, brings great prestige to all British Nations and colonies – and we know how you all enjoy basking in our reflected glory.
We therefore request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any information which may aid us on our quest. We don’t expect to need it, you understand – but one never knows!
What we have in mind are tactical appraisals of our opponents, who you may have played – while, of course demonstrating that you have little chance of winning the World Cup yourselves. Foreign styles of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, Latin diving, Teutonic bullying, South African boshing, teams that may not be comprised of the right sort – and so on.
Please reply promptly.
You remain, our humble servants.
Colin J. Penfarthing, QC, LLD, DSO.
***
Wales RU
Cardiff
Dear Mr. Penfarthing,
Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know, we are your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you more nearly, and love you more dearly than anyone else. How we enjoyed your last World Cup victory! Bonfires were lit in remote areas all over rural Wales in celebration.
As you no doubt don’t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translated from Saes to Cymraeg, in accordance with the rules of our Association. I had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab Sylwtyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit.
I am sori to haj to tell ewe that there was a coch up in translation which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be targeted by dusky French beauties who may give him the bends, as it were. Also, watch out for Corsican grannies in the vicinity of your team billet.
As ever, if there is anything more we can do, you only have to ask.
Twill din pob Sais
Mervyn ab Asoyhatesinglish
***
Ireland RU
Dublin
Ah Colin, how’s it going
All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure don’t ye know that? We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have anyway.
I mean, nowadays, who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided them up among the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of the beloved Gaelic language. Sure we have forgotten all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death whilst our young men fought in the front trenches in your imperial wars.
Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our land, we would of course be delighted to support England and we will. However, you must be aware of our longstanding immigrant links with Seamus, insert name of whoever the bastards are playing and so therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties will be somewhat divided.
Yours as ever,
Sean O’Blarney
***
The Scottish RU
Glasgow
Dear Colin,
**** *** you English *****!
Hamish McSporran
***
Castaways
Oak Bay
Dear Father,
I am settling in quite nicely over here. Oak Bay is a very nice place to visit, as long as one doesn’t go beyond Foul Bay Road after dusk. The boys on the team are quite inviting – made up as they are of visiting Brits, wanderers from other countries, and a few colonials that we can sponge off of. The season has had its ups and downs – and we have received shameful treatment at the hands of some louts from the lower class part of town in James Bay. If there is any more of this, I may have to return home early. I wouldn’t like to leave the lads, but what’s an English gentleman to do?
Unfortunately Daddy, under the new Canada Rugby Plan hatched by your friends in the IRB, the world’s top national teams don’t come to Victoria anymore – but are quite rightly confined to Canada’s rugby hotspots – like Edmonton. I am not exactly sure where Edmonton is, but it must be a lovely place to play rugby!
Give my love to Mummy.
Colin (Penney) Penfarthing, Jr.